I've been a mom for over a year now, so I think it's safe to say that I've had my fair share of experiences and can confidently give advice, mom-to-mom. This is one piece of advice that I'm reluctant to share, though, because it's a secret, but also so simple that it's almost stupid. Like, why didn't I think of this before?!
So, here it is — my super secret advice on how to get rid of mom guilt and jealousy... come closer... a little closer now... okay, don't say anything, but my secret is...
Don't have kids.
Groundbreaking, right? I'm sorry to say that is literally the only way to get rid of mom guilt and jealousy. The only way! You can hide it, you can pretend it's not there, but you will never ever get rid of it. It's almost like the day I had my twins they said, "It's a boy! And a girl! Hold on, come back — and here's your your big huge helping of GUILT. Not so fast lady — you get two. There you go! Now, keep in mind that, like your babies, this guilt will grow with age. So, godspeed. Congratulations, again!!"
And jealousy - boy, I thought I knew jealousy, having dated my hubby through some skank-filled teen years {oops, did I type that out-loud?}, but my teenage self would welcome some skanky competition {seriously though, don't try me} over the jealousy I have when the twinlets favor someone over their Mama.
I have guilt for working a second job to pay for the nanny I'm jealous of. If that's not irony, then I'll never understand that damn song, Alanis.
I once tried to track all the times I felt guilt and jealousy throughout the day so I could pinpoint the main issues and somehow come to terms with them. It was impossible to keep up, and I just felt worse at the end of the day. #wineporfavor
I picked up Bubba before Beanie, even though Beanie was up first... but I could tell Bubba had pooped, so what's a Mama to do? But now she's standing there, wailing at me, while he's perfectly content. Which kid should I have chosen? Guilt.
They go ape shit with excitement when the nanny walks in. Yea, they didn't do that when I walked into their room this morning. Jealousy.
I took 40 minutes to myself to workout... but I could have taken that time to spend with them before naptime. Guilt.
Beanie was crying so I picked her up, but of course she reached for Dada instead. Jealousy.
Twin meltdowns, ALL the whining, fighting over wubbas, dishes until my fingers are prunes, exhaustion beyond contemplation, and I am SO over this day. But, I wanted this so badly — I dragged our lives through mud and back again to get these twinlets. How could I possibly be over it? Guilt.
But here's the thing, right, what I would rather? No kids, and therefore no guilt? Or, for my babes not to have any amazing things and people in their lives for me to feel guilt and jealousy over? C'mon now {really though, I have to remind myself of these things more often than I'd care to admit}.
So, the reality I've come to terms with is that, along with Bubba & Beanie, Guilt & Jealousy are firm fixtures in our family now. I sadly have no secrets for how to rid your life of them. But I do have three things that I try to remind myself whenever I get caught in a spiral of guilt or jealously {or, the dreaded: both}.
I once witnessed a mom holding her kids back from an awesome opportunity because she wasn't the one who was able to give it to them. I told myself from the get-go that I would never hold my kids back because of my own jealousy. So every time I get super jealous because our nanny gets to take the babes to library school every Thursday and not me — I remind myself of this. {Also, yes, I'm jealous of missing library school — motherhood does stupid shit to you.}
I have the incredible luxury of working from home the majority of the week and get to see my babes wake-up, and go to bed. And even though I sometimes work nights and weekends for my second gig — I still get a fly-by kiss as they head to bed. There are moms who have to go in to the office every day, sometimes before their babes wake, and then don't get home after they've hit the sheets. And how about the service women who work 24-hour shifts and miss full on days and nights? Or, the women who spend years of their childrens' lives over seas? Pretty sure I should quit my bitchin'.
At the end of the day, what would I rather have? A Natzi nanny who hates my children, and twinlets who hate their Dada and will literally only come to me? I would most certainly need even more wine than usual.
When all else fails — I dip my guilt in wine. They compliment each other perfectly. To all the mamas who carry their load of guilt and jealousy on their sleeves — you're not alone, and I'm gonna bet you're doing one hell of a good job. Because if you have guilt and jealously, it's because you love that babe{s} so much it hurts. Love really is a battlefield. #warriormamas
