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  • Nikki Cagle


Look, I get it - you mean well. And we all know it's awkward. And unless you've been through it, we're not expecting some life-changing profound words through this time. But just as there are certain things you wouldn't say to a loved one at a funeral, or to anyone going through any sort of tough time - there are definitive things you should never utter to someone who is trying to conceive. At the end of the day, it's none of your business. If, however, someone does trust you and makes it your business, make sure you brush up on the do's and dont's of what to say so you don't make them regret that trust. {These obviously stem from things that people have said to us over the years. Please don't take offense if you were one of the people who said one of these things - we were all learning together.}

1. "There's always adoption!"

Really? Then why didn't you adopt? Because you wanted the joy of having your own child? Golly gee. We'd like to adopt because we can - not because we have no other choice.

2. "You should be thankful! Now your lifestyle/banking account/body/etc. won't have to go through any changes!"

I would rather throw away my entire lifestyle, wipe clean my banking account {which you nearly do through infertility treatment}, attend a lifetime of weight watchers meetings and more - just to have a baby.

3. "Have you tried everything?"

Nah, we gave it one good romp and it didn't happen so we said "bygones!" I haven't been poked, prodded, bounced from specialist to specialist, or exhausted our savings account. Nope, none of that.

4. "I bet you'd wish you'd have known so you didn't waste so much money on birth control, condoms and anxiety-ridden pregnancy tests over the years!"

Yes, tell me more about how much money I wasted on NOT having a child, while I pay doctor and infertility bills out the ying-yang now. If I had a dollar for every time someone uttered this line, we could have bought me a new uterus by now.

5. "Well, how long have you all been trying? They say it could take up to a year!"

Ohhh, well that comforts me then. Phew, I was so worried - we just started yesterday! I thought for sure I should have been showing by now...

6. "It'll happen. Just be patient."

Oh, is that all it takes? Patience? SCREW you and your patience. Oh, sorry - hormones ;-)

7. "Ya know, my best friend's cousin's daughter's kindergarten teacher went through this EXACT same thing it and only took them two rounds of IVF, so just hold on and it'll happen!"

No WAY! Your insanely distant acquaintance is 30-years-old, has hyperthyroidism, doesn't get a menstrual cycle, has been trying for years, works out 6 days a week, eats as clean as possible, doesn't have a properly functioning pituitary gland, AND is married to my husband?! Wow, we're like twinsies - it MUST be the same diagnosis.

8. "It'll happen."

Yes, so my very expensive doctors tell me. But are you a doctor? Do you know my case inside and out? Do you have a crystal ball? Because that's the easiest, most general passe thing to say. But, thanks for the comfort! {Another favorite: "it'll happen"'s common cousin - "It'll happen when it happens." So wait, it won't happen before it happens? Or afterwards? I was banking on before.}

9. "Ugh, you can have mine! They're driving me insane!"

Don't tempt me. And meanwhile, go hug your kid - the child I would kill to have.

10. "I know how you feel, we tried for three months!"

Just walk away. Go. Now. Because this fake smile is going to fade in 3...2...

Look, I get that you MAY understand the timing element - the longing for, wishing for, waiting for. But you could never understand the shots, the hormones pumped through your body, the nearly daily appointments, the questions, the emotional burden, the strain on your relationship, the negative thoughts in your mind - none of it. Not unless you've gone through infertility treatments - you just can't possibly know how it feels. But, come here, I'll shoot you in your gut with a needle, just to give you a taste... Let people live, love and grieve at their own pace, without added pressures from outdated traditional family timelines. You wouldn't ask a grieving widow when she's going to get married again—have the same respect for those taking their time to start a family.

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